You're earring is so big in my mouth
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
