I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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