1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
