Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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