I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
