At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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