the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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