when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
