Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
