I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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