I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
