Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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