Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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