ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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