I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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