Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
