matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He passed out mid-signature
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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