This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Randomize
