I want to walk on stilts...naked
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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