I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
