fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
