My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
