He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
