Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
