You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
