Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
