I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
