the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
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Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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