I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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