For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
