tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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