In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
