He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
