Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
