The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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