drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
