My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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