I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
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Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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