Cold hands, warm shart.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
