Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
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