The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
what day is it and did you see me today?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
