Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
