i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
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