True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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