Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
