just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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