And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
false alarm, still single
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
