can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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