my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
A+ Viking dick
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
