The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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