we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You dont lie about slip and slides
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
