My nipple is on Facebook.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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