I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
