My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
