after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
