Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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