go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
