Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
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I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
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Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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