Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
